The pressure to be amazing

So, I haven't written a blog post for what feels like an eternity. And that annoys me. I am annoyed with myself. I have allowed my own internal wranglings combined with a difficult Autumn term and a sprinkling of laziness to get in the way. In the last couple of weeks a number of people have encouraged me to start writing again...so here I am.

Let's begin by chucking the white elephant in the room out there....we have NOT moved to London. Yet.

And is that hard.? Yes, it has been. Tim ended up working away from home, in London for 11 weeks in total from Sept-Dec last year. Our house was packed up, Tim was away, we had withdrawn our kids from their various clubs and activities (you wouldn't believe the amount of guilt I felt about that alone), I was working every day to enable me to be free to cover the childcare that Tim would normally have picked up, our internet stopped working, we weren't part of any church groups, I 'couldn't' leave the house in the evening without the enormous hassle of finding a sitter. I felt disappointed and under pressure.

Let me just interject here by saying that I am not trying to present a sob story, just a reality! Sometimes we face an awful lot of external, pressurising circumstances and this was one of those times.

So, the pressure. I felt the pressure to be amazing. As we began our time apart in September, I looked out across the sea of the next few weeks and thought...I will handle this well.

I will be an amazing wife and all that Tim needs in this time

I will be an amazing Mum and make up for all that is lacking with Tim being away.

I will have an amazing relationship with God through it all and have so much time to devote to being with Him.

I will be amazing at looking after myself so that I have enough to give out to others.

Ummmm...it didn't really work out like that.

Tim and I argued more than we ever have before. It was rubbish.

I lost my temper with the kids more than I like to admit and barely recognised myself in how I reacted to them at times.

I withdrew from God even though I knew and felt Him wanting to draw me close.

I didn't prioritise myself, becoming lazy in how I looked after myself.

So where did the pressure to be amazing come from? From others? From society? From within myself?

I guess I can put pressure on myself, as described above. Or I can feel like it's not ok to present how I am really doing to others in case they can't handle what I say...British awkwardness and all that! Or in case I show some kind of emotion...what if I cried in front of someone?!!! So I smile to hide how overwhelmed I really am! It's a bit daft really...

There's a deep desire in all of us to be known. Really known. And that desire can only be fulfilled by a relationship with Jesus. Other people may react unhelpfully when I share how I am, my own thought processes aren't always the best, society is not a great place to turn to to see how to behave or respond. But as I spend time with Jesus, I feel accepted and loved for who I am. It's unconditional. It's free. And there's no pressure. And so I am learning (again) how important it is to spend time with him. I have reorganised things a bit this year to help with that...but that's another blog post!

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